Montag, Juni 25, 2007


Pink clouds
throw the blackest shadows.
After flying high
I'm falling deep and dark.
On the other side of happiness
is nothing but pain.

Getting drunk on happiness
left a hangover of self-pity.
My colourful dreams
fade into a gray dusk.
On the other side of hope
is nothing but despair.

Fallen from clouds and dreams
only loneliness is left.
Again a bittersweet poem
in my diary
pays tribute to another failure
in my life.

Donnerstag, Juni 14, 2007


How familiar are you with the brother Grimm's fairy tales?
They are truly grim tales mostly, full of blood and gore.
If I had a small child, I'm not sure if I'd want him/her to read those stories. But the name I chose for this, my weblog's, identity came from Grimm's Märchen.

Falada is a horse who can speak. He's a princess's horse, and that princess (who has no name but 'the Goose-Girl' in the tale) is betrayed by her maid. The maid takes the princess's place when they set out to meet her royal bridegroom; she steals her mistress's dresses, jewels and horse, and poses as bride when they reach the prince's kingdom - the real princess is forced to herd geese, and her mount Falada is slaughtered as by the intruder's orders. But Falada remains loyal to the real princess even after death. His head (that's been nailed above the castle's door) still talks, and answers the princess's questions. Because they're talking every day about their cruel fate, finally the princely bridegroom finds out who's his real bride, and he punishes the intruder and marries the real princess.

In that fairy tale, Falada always stays faithful to his mistress. His life is needlessly sacrificed, but still he remains loyal and unwaveringly so. There is a Happy End to the tale - but not for Falada, who had long since been slaughtered, so he can't be rescued or revived.

Montag, Juni 04, 2007

post scriptum

One day later, no news. Again I tried to call, again no answer. No answer to the last of my SMS messages, too. I will quit trying now. There is no way to reach that guy, as he obviously does not want to talk to me.

With tears in my eyes I removed his smiling picture from my desk today. I would not have thought it possible for this episode to affect me that deeply; or for any end to hurt me that much again.

This may sound pathetically dramatized, but I'm in that kind of mood right now, so let me confess to you: My heart had been thoroughly broken once before, by another man, almost ten years ago. I was truly devastated then and almost lost the will to live. Since that time I had never really, unrestrictedly loved anyone. Until I almost did, now. And something went horribly wrong again.
I really wish I knew WHAT went wrong.

I will stop writing any more about this whole story now, as it does not make sense to speculate, and I have wallowed in enough self-pity to make me feel sick myself.

Just one more thing: Today I feel very grateful to my friends - the one in Mumbai who told me the truth (thanks, Rahul!) - and those here at home, who came, or called, or wrote, and supported me these days.
I am glad to have friends like you, thank you for your help!
You give me a lot of strength and I really need it now. Today I don't knew what I'd done without you.

Sonntag, Juni 03, 2007

Unhappy End

My little love story has come to an end.

Since I had not heard anything from my 'Mr. India' since I left Mumbai almost a week ago, I asked a mutual friend if he knew what happened. So today it was just a SMS - not even from the one whose message I have been waiting for, but from his friend - that told me that it's over; with the cryptic addendum: "He loves you a lot, but..."

A "but" and three dots, and I don't even know what they mean. I am left guessing:
"But you are too different"?
"But you are too old"?
"But you have the wrong religion/ skin colour/ language/ nationality"?

Of course, the distance between India and Germany is a lot bigger than just miles. It is a different culture with different values, and somewhere I may have made a mistake which I am not even aware of.

I am very, very sad.

What irks me, is that I really don't know what went wrong. I tried to call him today, but his phone was switched off, and he did not answer my messages.

So there it is. Final, not at all happy, and very unsatisfactory:
The End.